Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. -- AnonymousEvery mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did. -- AnonymousI told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. -- AnonymousMarital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases. -- AnonymousMistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. -- AnonymousMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. -- Jim BackusMost married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings. -- Dave BarryA sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. -- BaudelaireI feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. -- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame InductionsI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David BissonetteAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Victor BorgeIf ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. -- Anne BradstreetMy mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. -- Lenny BruceNever tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...." -- Lenny BruceHusbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender. -- Mary BuckleyOnce a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. -- Al Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television showI just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. -- Peg Bundy, character on "Married with Children," U.S. television showThe only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. -- Archie Bunker, character on "All in the Family," U.S. television showAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha ChristieI've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about "short" and "cheap"? -- Phyllis DillerA man's wife has more power over him than the state has. -- Ralph Waldo EmersonThere is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia ApocryphiaNe'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. -- Benjamin FranklinChoose a wife by your ear than your eye. -- Thomas Fuller, 1732Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. -- Zsa Zsa GaborAn ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. -- Sacha GuitryWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Sacha GuitryA man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife. -- Edgar Watson HoweHarpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. -- Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fianceeThe best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. -- Shirley MacLaineWives are people who feel they don't dance enough. -- Groucho MarxPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset MaughamWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. -- H. L. MenckenA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. -- Michel de MontaigneA husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. -- Ogden NashA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. -- Poor Jimmy's AlmanacA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen RowlandBy all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher. -- SocratesI think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget. -- Adela Rogers St. JohnTry praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. -- Billy SundayA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -- Lana TurnerBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar WildeI take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back. -- Henny YoungmanThe majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. -- Honore de Balzac