The Little Lies Spouses Tell

In 47 years of marriage, there are a few things Sherri Mills hasn't told her husband, Gerald, such as what she really spends on makeup. Or how she indulges the kids.

But these things don't compare with what Ms. Mills calls the 'one real whopper of omission' in her relationship with her husband. It involved her ex-boyfriend, Jim.

In the early years of her marriage, living in the small town of Helper, Utah, Ms. Mills would sometimes run into Jim and his family, with whom she had once been close. Knowing her husband was prone to be jealous and hot-tempered, Ms. Mills would try to avoid her ex-boyfriend or, if that failed, then say as little as possible to him. She knew her husband was suspicious that she might still have feelings for her old flame.

Then Ms. Mills learned that Jim's mother was seriously ill and wanted to see her. Ms. Mills went to the hospital, where the woman made a deathbed request: Would Ms. Mills speak with Jim and encourage him to sell the family-owned business (a bar, then known in Utah as a club) and strive for a more-settled life? The woman believed Jim still loved his ex-girlfriend and would listen.

Ms. Mills decided to try to help, yet she knew she couldn't tell her husband. She made plans see Jim at his sister's house, and brought her toddler son along to make sure the ex wouldn't misunderstand. She stayed 20 minutes, then went home and didn't tell her husband about the meeting for 40 years. 'It kind of ate at me,' says Ms. Mills, now 71 and the owner of a hair salon. 'But I knew I did the right thing.'

If you think this evasion sounds a lot like lying, you are right. But there are other names for the seemingly harmless lies spouses and romantic partners sometimes tell each other.

Hiding worries or concerns to shield your partner from something unpleasant, or even just to keep the peace? Researchers call this 'protective buffering.' Hiding something to protect yourself, such as how much you spent on your new toy? Researchers call that avoidance. Routine buffering can turn into avoidance or something worse.

Couples often wrongly assume full disclosure is always best, says Sean Horan, a professor of relational communication at DePaul University in Chicago. But even avoidance, when not excessive, can be a 'productive strategy,' he says. Consider how you'd feel if your partner told you any or all of these:

'I left work early for a drink with that friend you hate.'

'I can't stand your brother.'

'Yes, those jeans make you look fat.'

Often the more open partners are with each other, the less happy they are, says Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University, in Philadelphia, whose research focuses on communication in personal relationships. In dozens of studies over the past 20 years, Dr. Dainton has found people often say sharing too much is a source of relationship dissatisfaction.

Does being open lead to dissatisfaction? Or are dissatisfied people more likely to be open? Dr. Dainton says she doesn't know.

Avoiding a topic so as to avoid a fight is often good, Dr. Dainton says. But avoiding topics like financial mismanagement or addiction isn't protective buffering. It's selfish. And as for the biggest lie of all, marital infidelity -- whether to tell or not is an important question, but not the primary one a person will need to address if unfaithful to a spouse, therapists say.

Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis. Will the information be more harmful to the relationship if disclosed up front, or discovered later? Consider disclosing if withholding gets in the way of intimacy, experts say. But if it will only hurt your partner, then don't tell.

It isn't necessary to mention the crush you have on your co-worker. 'Thought broadcasting is never a good thing,' says Toni Coleman, a McLean, Va., licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. And beware of 'putative secrets,' the ones you only think you are keeping. Chances are you are already busted.

The buffering method you choose will make a big difference: Active lying is more damaging than avoidance, research indicates.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2009 found 71% of people whose partners actively lied to them said it created distance. Among those whose partner kept a secret but didn't lie, only 43% said it created distance.

'When people overtly lie about something, they can take something innocuous and make it into a bigger problem,' says John Caughlin, the study's lead researcher and professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Experts say gender isn't a factor -- both men and women withhold information.

Gerald Mills, 67, a retired manufacturing-plant manager, has had his share of secrets over the years. He has hidden new hunting and fishing equipment in his truck and gone out for a drink with friends instead of doing errands. Once when his wife was away, he took their young sons out for a lobster dinner and swore them to secrecy. No need to guess how he got caught.

Ms. Mills, who went on to write a book about her marriage, 'I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead,' says she never doubted her decision to keep the long-ago meeting a secret. (The ex-boyfriend was relieved to hear his mother's wishes; he thought she wanted him to keep the business going.) After the ex died about a year ago, Ms. Mills finally told her husband. 'At the time, I would have been angry and thought she was cheating on me and it would have derailed the marriage,' Mr. Mills says. Instead, 'we went to bed happy.'

夫妻之间该不该有所隐瞒？

结婚47年来，谢莉•米尔斯(Sherri Mills)有几件事没有告诉她的丈夫杰拉尔德•米尔斯(Gerald Mills)，比如她真正花在化妆上的时间，比如她有多溺爱孩子。谢莉现年71岁，拥有一家发廊。

但这些事情都无法与谢莉对丈夫隐瞒的“一个惊天秘密”相比。这个秘密涉及到她的前男友吉姆(Jim)。

谢莉刚结婚时，住在犹他州的小镇赫尔普(Helper)。她有时会遇到吉姆和他的家人，她曾经与他们关系很亲密。谢莉知道她的丈夫容易吃醋，脾气暴躁，因此努力避免提到前男友，如果非得提不可，也尽可能地少提。她知道，丈夫怀疑她对旧情人还有感觉。

后来，谢莉知道吉姆的母亲病重，想见见她。谢莉去了医院，吉姆的母亲临终前向她提出一个请求：谢莉能否与吉姆谈谈，鼓励他卖掉家族企业（一家酒吧，当时在犹他州被称为俱乐部），寻求更安定的生活？吉姆的母亲相信吉姆仍爱着这位前女友，并且会听她的劝告。

谢莉决定尽力帮忙，但她知道她不能告诉丈夫。她决定在吉姆姐姐的家里与吉姆见面，并带上了自己蹒跚学步的儿子，以确保前男友不会误会。她在那儿待了20分钟，然后就回家了。40年来她都没有告诉丈夫这次见面。谢莉说：“这让我寝食难安。但我知道我做的是对的。”

如果你认为这种逃避听起来很像说谎，那么你对了。但有一些其他的词可以用来形容夫妻和情侣之间说的这种看似无害的说谎。

掩饰自己的烦恼或担忧，不让伴侣知道会让他们不快的事，或者只是为了保持和平？研究人员称这为“保护性缓冲”。研究人员称隐瞒某件事以保护自己──例如你花多少钱买的新玩具──为逃避。经常性的缓冲可以转变为逃避，甚至更糟的情况。

芝加哥德保罗大学(DePaul University)的人际交流学教授肖恩•霍兰(Sean Horan)说，夫妻经常错误地认为毫无保留总是最好的。但他说，当把握好分寸时，即使逃避也可能是一个“有效的策略”。想想看，如果你的伴侣告诉你下面这些话，你会作何感想：

“我提早下班是为了和你讨厌的那个朋友一起喝酒。”

“我受不了你弟弟。”

“没错，你穿这条牛仔裤显胖。”

费城拉塞尔大学(La Salle University)的玛丽安娜•丹顿(Marianne Dainton)教授说，通常伴侣对彼此越坦诚，他们就越不快乐。她的研究重点是人际交流。在过去20年的几十项研究中，丹顿博士发现，人们经常说，过多地分享自己的想法是造成他们对婚姻关系不满的原因之一。

坦诚相对会导致对婚姻关系的不满吗？还是说对婚姻关系不满的人更可能坦诚相对？丹顿博士说她无从得知。

丹顿博士说，避免谈论某个问题以避免吵架通常是好的做法。但避免谈论财务管理不善或毒瘾等问题则不是保护性缓冲，而是自私。至于最大的谎言──婚姻不忠──不论说与不说都是一个重要问题，但治疗师称，对配偶不忠不是人们需要强调的最主要的问题。

专家建议进行成本效益分析：提前坦白还是拖后坦白对婚姻关系更有害？专家说，如果隐瞒信息会妨碍亲密度，那么就应该考虑坦诚相告。但是如果这样做只会伤害你的伴侣，那么就不要说。

没有必要提及你对同事的爱慕。弗吉尼亚州麦克林(McLean)的注册临床社会工作者兼人际关系教练托尼•科尔曼(Toni Coleman)：“把脑子里想的事广而告之绝不是好主意。”还要谨防“假定秘密”，也就是你以为自己保守住了的秘密。很可能其实你已经被戳穿了。

你选择的缓冲方法很重要：研究显示，主动说谎比逃避更具破坏性。

2009年在《社会与人际关系杂志》(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)上发表的一篇研究论文指出，在伴侣主动对其说谎的人中，71%的人称这样做会产生距离感。而在伴侣保守秘密但不说谎的人，只有43%的人说这样做会产生距离感。

该项研究的首席研究员、伊利诺伊大学香槟分校(University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)的传播学教授约翰•考林(John Caughlin)说：“当人们公然对某件事撒谎时，他们会将原本并不严重的事情变成一个大问题。”专家称，性别不是决定因素──男性和女性都会隐瞒信息。

67岁的杰拉尔德•米尔斯退休前是一家制造工厂的经理，他多年来一直保守着他的秘密。他在卡车里藏着新买的打猎和钓鱼用具，出门是和朋友喝酒而不是去办杂事。一次趁妻子外出，他带着年幼的儿子们去吃龙虾大餐，还让他们发誓保守秘密。不用猜，他被逮住了。

谢莉后来写了一本关于她的婚姻的书，名为《我几乎和我丈夫离婚，但最后我罢工了》(I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead)。她说，她从未质疑过自己对很久以前与前男友见面的事守口如瓶的决定。（她的前男友听到他母亲的愿望时松了一口气，他以为母亲希望他把生意做下去。）谢莉的前男友大约一年前去世后，她最终把这事儿告诉了她丈夫。杰拉尔德说：“当时，我以为自己会生气，认为她欺骗我，这会毁掉我们的婚姻。”但事实却是相反的，“我们高高兴兴地上床睡觉去了”。