Chapter 38

I don't understand. For days the ship had pushed on, bullishly indifferent to its surroundings. The sun shone, rain fell, winds blew, currents flowed, the sea built up hills, the sea dug up valleys-the Tsimtsum did not care. It moved with the slow, massive confidence of a continent.

I had bought a map of the world for the trip; I had set it up in our cabin against a cork billboard. Every morning I got our position from the control bridge and marked it on the map with an orange tipped pin. We sailed from Madras across the Bay of Bengal, down through the Strait of Malacca, around Singapore and up to Manila. I loved every minute of it. It was a thrill to be on a ship. Taking care of the animals kept us very busy. Every night we fell into bed weary to our bones. We were in Manila for two days, a question of fresh feed, new cargo and, we were told, the performing of routine maintenance work on the engines. I paid attention only to the first two. The fresh feed included a ton of bananas, and the new cargo, a female Congo chimpanzee, part of Father's wheeling and dealing. A ton of bananas bristles with a good three, four pounds of big black spiders. A chimpanzee is like a smaller, leaner gorilla, but meaner-looking, with less of the melancholy gentleness of its larger cousin. A chimpanzee shudders and grimaces when it touches a big black spider, like you and I would do, before squashing it angrily with its knuckles, not something you and I would do. I thought bananas and a chimpanzee were more interesting than a loud, filthy mechanical contraption in the dark bowels of a ship. Ravi spent his days there, watching the men work. Something was wrong with the engines, he said. Did something go wrong with the fixing of them? I don't know. I don't think anyone will ever know. The answer is a mystery lying at the bottom of thousands of feet of water.

We left Manila and entered the Pacific. On our fourth day out, midway to Midway, we sank. The ship vanished into a pinprick hole on my map. A mountain collapsed before my eyes and disappeared beneath my feet. All around me was the vomit of a dyspeptic ship. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt shock. I felt a great emptiness within me, which then filled with silence. My chest hurt with pain and fear for days afterwards.

I think there was an explosion. But I can't be sure. It happened while I was sleeping. It woke me up. The ship was no luxury liner. It was a grimy, hardworking cargo ship not designed for paying passengers or for their comfort. There were all kinds of noises all the time. It was precisely because the level of noise was so uniform that we slept like babies. It was a form of silence that nothing disturbed, not Ravi's snoring nor my talking in my sleep. So the explosion, if there was one, was not a new noise. It was an irregular noise. I woke up with a start, as if Ravi had burst a balloon in my ears. I looked at my watch. It was just after four-thirty in the morning. I leaned over and looked down at the bunk below. Ravi was still sleeping.

I dressed and climbed down. Normally I'm a sound sleeper. Normally I would have gone back to sleep. I don't know why I got up that night. It was more the sort of thing Ravi would do. He liked the word beckon; he would have said, "Adventure beckons," and would have gone off to prowl around the ship. The level of noise was back to normal again, but with a different quality perhaps, muffled maybe.

I shook Ravi. I said, "Ravi! There was a funny noise. Let's go exploring."

He looked at me sleepily. He shook his head and turned over, pulling the sheet up to his cheek. Oh, Ravi!

I opened the cabin door.

I remember walking down the corridor. Day or night it looked the same. But I felt the night in me. I stopped at Father and Mother's door and considered knocking on it. I remember looking at my watch and deciding against it. Father liked his sleep. I decided I would climb to the main deck and catch the dawn. Maybe I would see a shooting star. I was thinking about that, about shooting stars, as I climbed the stairs. We were two levels below the main deck. I had already forgotten about the funny noise.

It was only when I had pushed open the heavy door leading onto the main deck that I realized what the weather was like. Did it qualify as a storm? It's true there was rain, but it wasn't so very hard. It certainly wasn't a driving rain, like you see during the monsoons. And there was wind. I suppose some of the gusts would have upset umbrellas. But I walked through it without much difficulty. As for the sea, it looked rough, but to a landlubber the sea is always impresive and forbidding, beautiful and dangerous. Waves were reaching up, and their white foam, caught by the wind, was being whipped against the side of the ship. But I'd seen that on other days and the ship hadn't sunk. A cargo ship is a huge and stable structure, a feat of engineering. It's designed to stay afloat under the most adverse conditions. Weather like this surely wouldn't sink a ship? Why, I only had to close a door and the storm was gone. I advanced onto the deck. I gripped the railing and faced the elements. This was adventure.

"Canada, here I come!" I shouted as I was soaked and chilled. I felt very brave. It was dark still, but there was enough light to see by. Light on pandemonium it was. Nature can put on a thrilling show. The stage is vast, the lighting is dramatic, the extras are innumerable, and the budget for special effects is absolutely unlimited. What I had before me was a spectacle of wind and water, an earthquake of the senses, that even Hollywood couldn't orchestrate. But the earthquake stopped at the ground beneath my feet. The ground beneath my feet was solid. I was a spectator safely ensconced in his seat.

It was when I looked up at a lifeboat on the bridge castle that I started to worry. The lifeboat wasn't hanging straight down. It was leaning in from its davits. I turned and looked at my hands. My knuckles were white. The thing was, I wasn't holding on so tightly because of the weather, but because otherwise I would fall in towards the ship. The ship was listing to port, to the other side. It wasn't a severe list, but enough to surprise me. When I looked overboard the drop wasn't sheer any more. I could see the ship's great black side.

A shiver of cold went through me. I decided it was a storm after all. Time to return to safety. I let go, hotfooted it to the wall, moved over and pulled open the door.

Inside the ship, there were noises. Deep structural groans. I stumbled and fell. No harm done. I got up. With the help of the handrails I went down the stairwell four steps at a time. I had gone down just one level when I saw water. Lots of water. It was blocking my way. It was surging from below like a riotous crowd, raging, frothing and boiling. Stairs vanished into watery darkness. I couldn't believe my eyes. What was this water doing here? Where had it come from? I stood nailed to the spot, frightened and incredulous and ignorant of what I should do next. Down there was where my family was.

I ran up the stairs. I got to the main deck. The weather wasn't entertaining any more. I was very afraid. Now it was plain and obvious: the ship was listing badly. And it wasn't level the other way either. There was a noticeable incline going from bow to stern. I looked overboard. The water didn't look to be eighty feet away. The ship was sinking. My mind could hardly conceive it. It was as unbelievable as the moon catching fire.

Where were the officers and the crew? What were they doing? Towards the bow I saw some men running in the gloom. I thought I saw some animals too, but I dismissed the sight as illusion crafted by rain and shadow. We had the hatch covers over their bay pulled open when the weather was good, but at all times the animals were kept confined to their cages. These were dangerous wild animals we were transporting, not farm livestock. Above me, on the bridge, I thought I heard some men shouting.

The ship shook and there was that sound, the monstrous metallic burp. What was it? Was it the collective scream of humans and animals protesting their oncoming death? Was it the ship itself giving up the ghost? I fell over. I got to my feet. I looked overboard again. The sea was rising. The waves were getting closer. We were sinking fast.

I clearly heard monkeys shrieking. Something was shaking the deck, A gaur-an Indian wild ox-exploded out of the rain and thundered by me, terrified, out of control, berserk. I looked at it, dumbstruck and amazed. Who in God's name had let it out?

I ran for the stairs to the bridge. Up there was where the officers were, the only people on the ship who spoke English, the masters of our destiny here, the ones who would right this wrong. They would explain everything. They would take care of my family and me. I climbed to the middle bridge. There was no one on the starboard side. I ran to the port side. I saw three men, crew members. I fell. I got up. They were looking overboard. I shouted. They turned. They looked at me and at each other. They spoke a few words. They came towards me quickly. I felt gratitude and relief welling up in me. I said, "Thank God I've found you. What is happening? I am very scared. There is water at the bottom of the ship. I am worried about my family. I can't get to the level where our cabins are. Is this normal? Do you think-"

One of the men interrupted me by thrusting a life jacket into my arms and shouting something in Chinese. I noticed an orange whistle dangling from the life jacket. The men were nodding vigorously at me. When they took hold of me and lifted me in their strong arms, I thought nothing of it. I thought they were helping me. I was so full of trust in them that I felt grateful as they carried me in the air. Only when they threw me overboard did I begin to have doubts.

第三十八章

    我不明白。许多天来，船一直在前进，它满怀信心，对周围环境漠不关心。日晒，雨淋，风吹，浪涌，大海堆起了小山，大海挖出了深谷——齐姆楚姆都不在乎。它以一座大陆的强大信心，缓缓前进着。

    为了这次旅行，我买了一张地图；我把地图钉在我们船舱里的软木告示板上。每天早晨，我从驾驶台得知我们的位置，然后用橘黄色针头的大头针把位置标在地图上。我们从马德拉斯出发，越过盂加拉湾，向南穿过马六甲海峡，绕过新加坡，向北朝马尼拉开去。我喜欢在船上的每一分钟。船上的日子令人兴奋。照料动物使我们整日忙碌。每天晚上我们倒在床上时已经累得筋疲力尽了。我们在马尼拉停留了两天，为了补充新鲜食品，装新的货物，另外，我们听说，还要对机器做常规维修。我只注意前两件事。新鲜食品是一吨香蕉，而新的货物，一只雌性刚果黑猩猩，是父亲独断专行的结果之一。那吨香蕉上布满了黑色大蜘蛛，足有三四磅之多。黑猩猩就像个头小一些、瘦一些的大猩猩，但长相要丑一些，也不像它的表亲那样忧郁温柔。黑猩猩碰大黑蜘蛛的时候会耸耸肩，做个鬼脸，像你我一样，然后它会用指关节将蜘蛛压碎，这却不是你我会做的事。我觉得香蕉和黑猩猩比船腹里那些吵嚷肮脏的奇怪的机械装置右趣多了。拉维整天待在机器旁边，看船员们干活。机器有些问题，他说。修理有问题吗？我不知道。我想永远也不会有人知道了。答案成了一个谜，正躺在几千英尺深的水底。

    我们离开马尼拉，驶进了太平洋。进入太平洋以后第四天，在去中途岛的途中，我们沉没了。在我的地图上被大头针戳了一个洞的位置，船沉没了。一座大山在我眼前坍塌了，消失在我脚下。我周围全是消化不良的船只吐出来的东西。我的胃感到恶心。我感到震惊。我感到心里一片空落落的，接着又被沉寂填满。很多天以后，我的胸口仍然因痛苦和恐惧而感到疼痛。

    我想发生了一次爆炸。但我不能肯定。爆炸是在我睡觉的时候发生的。爆炸声将我惊醒。这艘船并不是一艘豪华邮轮。它是一艘肮脏的辛苦的货船，它不是为付钱乘船的乘客或为了让他们舒适而设计的。任何时候船上都有各种噪音。正是因为这些噪音的音量一直保持不变，我们才像婴儿一样睡得很香。那种寂静什么都不能打破，无论是拉维的鼾声还是我的梦话。因此，如果的确发生了爆炸的话，那爆炸声就不是一种新的噪音。那是一种不规则的噪音。我突然惊醒，就好像拉维在我耳边吹炸了一只气球。我看了看表。凌晨四点半刚过。我探出身子，朝下铺看去。拉维还在熟睡。

    我穿上衣服，爬下床去。通常我睡得并不沉。通常我会接着睡。我不知道为什么那天晚上我起来了。这似乎更像拉维做的事情。他喜欢召唤这个词；他会说：“冒险活动在召唤。"然后在船上四处巡视。声音又恢复了正常，但是也许有了一种不网的音质，也许变得低沉了。

    我摇摇拉维。我说：“拉维！刚才有个奇怪的声音。我们去探 险吧。”

    他睡意蒙陇地看着我。他摇摇头，翻过身，把被单拉到下巴。噢，拉维！我打开船舱门。我记得自己沿着走廊走。无论白天黑夜，走廊看上去都一个样。但我能在心里感到四周的夜色。我在父亲和母亲的门口停下脚步，考虑要不要去敲门。我记得自己看了看表，决定不去敲门。父亲喜欢睡觉。我决定爬到主甲板上，迎接黎明。也许我会看见流星。我边爬楼梯边想着这个，想着流星。我们的船舱在主甲板下面两层。我已经把奇怪的声音忘了。

    推开通向主甲板的那道厚重的门的时候，我才注意到外面的天气。那能算是暴风雨吗？当时确实在下雨，但雨并不大。当然不是你在季风季节看见的那种大雨。风也在刮。我想有几阵狂风能把伞掀翻了。但是我在风雨中走过，并没有什么困难。大海看上去波涛汹涌，但是对旱鸭子来说，大海总是使人激动，令人生畏，美丽又危险。海浪涌来，白色的泡沫被风卷起来，吹打着船侧。但是我在其他时候也见过这样的景象，船并没有沉。货船是一种巨大的稳定的装置，是工程学了不起的设计。货船的设计可以让它在最不利的情况下漂浮在海上。像这样的天气当然不会让船沉没的吧？嗨，我只需关上门，暴风雨就会消失不见了。我走到甲板上。我抓住栏杆，面对着自然环境。这就是冒险。

    “加拿大，我来了！”我大喊，雨水将我淋得透湿，让我感到冷飕飕的。我感到自己很勇敢。天还黑着，但是已经有足够的先亮。可以让我看清楚了。那是地狱之光。大自然可以上演令人激动的剧目。舞台那么广阔，灯光那么夸张，临时演员多得不可胜数，制造特技效果的预算完全没有限制。我前面是风与水的奇观，是感官的地震，甚至好莱坞也编排不出。但是地震在我脚下停止了。我脚下的地是坚实的。我是安全地坐在自己的座位上的观众。

    我是在抬头看见桥楼上的救生艇时才开始担心的。救生艇并不是垂直地悬挂着。它面朝船倾斜，与吊艇柱形成了一个角度。我转过身，看看自己的手。指关节发白。我并不是因为天气恶劣才紧紧抓住栏杆的，而是因为如果不抓紧我就会跌倒。船在朝另一面，即朝左舷倾斜。倾斜度虽然不大，却足以让我感到吃惊。当我朝船外看去时，发现斜坡不再陡直。我能看见巨大的黑色的舷侧。

    一阵寒颤传遍我全身。我肯定那确实是一场暴风雨。该回到安全的地方去了。我松开手，匆匆走到船壁，走过去把门拉开。

    船里有噪音。机器构造的低沉呻吟声。我绊了一下，摔倒了。没有受伤。我爬了起来。我扶住栏杆，一步四级，朝楼梯井下跑去。刚跑下一层，我就看见了水。很多水。水挡住了我的路。水像喧闹的人群一样从下面涌上来，汹涌着，翻滚着，冒着泡泡。楼梯消失在了黑暗的水中。我无法相信自己的眼睛。这些水是怎么回事？水是从哪里来的？我仿佛被钉在了原地，心里充满了恐惧和疑惑，不知道下面应该做什么。我的家人就在下面。

    我跑上楼梯，跑到了主甲板上。天气不再令我感到乐趣。我非常害怕。现在情况已经非常清楚了：船倾斜得很厉害。纵的方向也不平。从船头到船尾出现了明显的倾斜。我朝船外看去。水看上去离我们没有八十英尺。船在沉。我简直无法理解。这就像月亮着火一样令人无法相信。

    高级船员和普通船员都在哪里？他们在做什么？在靠近船头的地方，我看见几个人在黑暗中奔跪。我想我还看见了动物，但是我把这当做是雨和影子造成的幻觉，并没有在意。天气好的时候，我们会把分隔栏顶上的活板抽开，但是在任何时候动物都是不能离开笼子的。我们运的是危险的野生动物，而不是农场上的家畜。我想我听见有人在叫喊，就在我头顶上，在桥楼上。

    船晃了一下，发出了那种声音，那种巨大的金属打嗝般的声音。那是什么声音？那是人类和动物抗议即将到来的死亡而一起尖叫吗？是船自己正在完蛋吗？我摔倒了。又爬了起来。我再一次朝船外看去。海面在上升。海浪正向我们靠近。我们正迅速沉没。

    我清楚地听见猴子的尖叫声。什么东西正在摇晃甲板。一只白肢野牛——印度野牛——突然从雨中冲出来，从我身边冲过去，发出轰隆隆的声响。它受了惊吓，变得狂怒，无法控制。我看着它，惊愕不已。天啊，究竟是谁把它放出来了？

    我跑上楼梯，朝桥楼跑去。高级船员就在那儿，他们是船上惟一会说英语的人，是我们命运的主宰，是能纠正这个错误的人。他们会解释一切的。他们会照顾我和我的家人。

    我爬上中间的桥楼。右舷没有一个人。我跑到左舷。我看见三个人，是普通船员。我跌倒了。又爬起来。他们正在朝船外看。我叫起来。他们转过身来。他们看看我，又互相看看。他们说了几句话。他们迅速朝我走来。一阵感激和宽慰涌上我心头。我说：“感谢上帝我找到你们了。发生了什么事？我很害怕。船底有水。我很担心我的家人。我去不了我们船舱的那层了。这是正常的吗？你们认为……”

    这些船员中的一个把一件救生衣塞进我怀里，大声用中文说了些什么，我的话被打断了。我看见救生衣上挂了一只橘黄色的哨子。他们正用力朝我点头。当他们用强有力的臂膀抓住我，把我举起来时，我没觉得什么。我以为他们是在帮我。我太信任他们了，当他们把我举到空中时，我心里充满了感激。当他们把我从船上扔出去时，我才感到怀疑。