Chapter 71

To those who should ever find themselves in a predicament such as I was in, I would recommend the following program:

1. Choose a day when the waves are small but regular. You want a sea that will put on a good show when your lifeboat is broadside to it, though without capsizing your boat.

2. Stream your sea anchor full out to make your lifeboat as stable and comfortable as possible. Prepare your safe haven from the lifeboat in case you should need it (you most likely will). If you can, devise some means of bodily protection. Almost anything can make a shield. Wrapping clothes or blankets around your limbs will make for a minimal form of armour.

3. Now comes the difficult part: you must provoke the animal that is afflicting you. Tiger, rhinoceros, ostrich, wild boar, brown bear - no matter the beast, you must get its goat. The best way to do this will most likely be to go to the edge of your territory and noisily intrude into the neutral zone. I did just that: I went to the edge of the tarpaulin and stamped upon the middle bench as I mildly blew into the whistle. It is important that you make a consistent, recognizable noise to signal your aggression. But you must be careful. You want to provoke your animal, but only so much. You don't want it to attack you outright. If it does, God be with you. You will be torn to pieces, trampled flat, disembowelled, very likely eaten. You don't want that. You want an animal that is piqued, peeved, vexed, bothered, irked, annoyed - but not homicidal. Under no circumstances should you step into your animal's territory. Contain your aggression to staring into its eyes and hurling toots and taunts.

4. When your animal has been roused, work in all bad faith to provoke a border intrusion. A good way of bringing this about in my experience is to back off slowly as you are making your noises. Be sure not to break eye contact! As soon as the animal has laid a paw in your territory, or even made a determined advance into the neutral territory, you have achieved your goal. Don't be picky or legalistic as to where its paw actually landed. Be quick to be affronted. Don't wait to construe-misconstrue as fast as you can. The point here is to make your animal understand that its upstairs neighbour is exceptionally persnickety about territory.

5. Once your animal has trespassed upon your territory, be unflagging in your outrage. Whether you have fled to your safe haven off the lifeboat or retreated to the back of your territory on the lifeboat, start blowing your whistle at full blast and immediately trip the sea anchor. These two actions are of pivotal importance. You must not delay putting them into effect. If you can help your lifeboat get broadside to the waves by other means, with an oar for example, apply yourself right away. The faster your lifeboat broaches to the waves, the better.

6. Blowing a whistle continuously is exhausting for the weakened castaway, but you must not falter. Your alarmed animal must associate its increasing nausea with the shrill cries of the whistle. You can help things move along by standing at the end of your boat, feet on opposing gunnels, and swaying in rhythm to the motion imparted by the sea. However slight you are, however large your lifeboat, you will be amazed at the difference this will make. I assure you, in no time you'll have your lifeboat rocking and rolling like Elvis Presley. Just don't forget to be blowing your whistle all the while, and mind you don't make your lifeboat capsize.

7. You want to keep going until the animal that is your burden - your tiger, your rhinoceros, whatever - is properly green about the gills with seasickness. You want to hear it heaving and dry retching. You want to see it lying at the bottom of the lifeboat, limbs trembling, eyes rolled back, a deathly rattle coming from its gaping mouth. And all the while you must be shattering the animal's ears with the piercing blows of your whistle. If you become sick yourself, don't waste your vomit by sending it overboard. Vomit makes an excellent border guard. Puke on the edges of your territory.

8. When your animal appears good and sick, you can stop. Seasickness comes on quickly, but it takes a long while to go away. You don't want to overstate your case. No one dies of nausea, but it can seriously sap the will to live. When enough is enough, stream the sea anchor, try to give shade to your animal if it has collapsed in direct sunlight, and make sure it has water available when it recovers, with anti-seasickness tablets dissolved in it, if you have any. Dehydration is a serious danger at this point. Otherwise retreat to your territory and leave your animal in peace. Water, rest and relaxation, besides a stable lifeboat, will bring it back to life. The animal should be allowed to recover fully before going through steps 1 to 8 again.

9. Treatment should be repeated until the association in the animal's mind between the sound of the whistle and the feeling of intense, incapacitating nausea is fixed and totally unambiguous. Thereafter, the whistle alone will deal with trespassing or any other untoward behaviour. Just one shrill blow and you will see your animal shudder with malaise and repair at top speed to the safest, furthest part of its territory. Once this level of training is reached, use of the whistle should be sparing.

第七十一章

    对那些可能和我一样身处困境的人，我推荐如下计划：

    1．选择浪不大但起伏很有规律的一天。当救生艇的舷侧对着海浪时，你想要大海表现出色，但又不会弄翻了你的船。

    2．全力抛出海锚，让救生艇尽可能平稳、舒适。准备一处离开救生艇以后可以去的避难所，万一需要时（你很可能会需要这样的地方）可以派上用场。如果可能，设计一种保护身体的方法。

    几乎任何东西都可以用来做盾牌。用衣服或毯子裹住四肢，这样可以做成一种最小的盔甲。

    3． 现在最困难的部分开始了：你必须激怒使你苦恼的动物。老虎、犀牛、鸵鸟、野猪、棕熊——无论是哪一种野兽，你都必须惹恼它。最好的办法很可能就是走到你自 己的地盘的边缘，闯入中立地带，同时弄出很大的声响。我就是这么做的：我走到油布边上，边轻轻地吹哨子边踏上中间的坐板。你要持续不断地发出容易分辨的声 音，表明你在挑衅，这一点很重要。但你一定要小心。你想激怒动物，但仅此而已。你并不想让它立即对你发起攻击。如果它攻击你了，那么但愿十帝与你同在。你 会被撕碎，踩扁，开膛破肚，很可鸵被吃掉。你可不想让这样的事发生。你想要动物生气、发怒、烦恼、不安、厌恨、恼怒——但不杀人。无论在什么样的情况下， 你都不能踏进动物的

    地盘。盯着它的眼睛看，发出恶狠狠的嘟嘟声和嘲笑声，把你的挑衅就控制在这个范围内。

    4． 当你的动物已经被激怒时，你要用尽一切欺诈的办法逗引它侵入你的地盘。根据我的经验，让这种情形发生的一个好办法是边发出声音边慢慢向后退。绝不要停止眼 神接触！一旦动物的一只脚爪踏进了你的地盘，或者甚至坚决地走进了中立地带，你就达到了自己的目的。你不用去计较它的脚爪究竟踩到哪里才算入侵你的地盘， 重要的是立刻反应。别花时间去分析它的意图，而应该尽快曲解它的意图。关键是让你的动物明白，它楼上的邻居对于地盘非常爱挑剔。

    5．一旦动物擅自闯入了你的地盘，你要持续不断地表示愤怒。无论你逃到了救生艇以外的安全避难所，还是退到了救生艇上自己地盘的后面，都要开始用尽全力吹响哨子，并且立即起锚。这两个动作非常重要。你必须立刻这么做，不能有丝毫耽搁。

    如果你能用其他方式，例如用一支桨，让救生艇以舷侧对着海浪，立即这么做。救生艇越快地突然横转过来越好。

    6．对身体虚弱的失事者来说，不停地吹哨子很累，但你不能畏缩。受惊的动物必须把越来越严重的恶心与尖厉的哨声联系起来。你可以站在你这一端船上，双脚分别踏在两边船舷上，随着海浪运动的节奏摇晃，以此推动事情的进展。无论休多么小，

    无论救生艇多么大，你会惊奇地发现这样做会使情况多么不同。

    我向你保证，你马上就会让救生艇像猫王一样摇滚起来。只是别忘了要一直不停地吹哨子，而且别把救生艇弄翻了。

    7．你要继续这样，直到成为你的负担的动物——你的老虎，犀牛，无论什么--完全因为晕船而面露病容。你要听见它喘气，干呕。你要看见它躺在救生艇底，四肢发抖，眼睛向后翻，

    张开的嘴里发出临死前的呼噜声。同时，你必须用尖厉的哨声震撼动物的耳朵。如果你自己也晕船，不要吐到船外，浪费了呕吐物。呕吐物能很好地守住地盘的边界。吐在你的地盘的边缘。

    8． 当你的动物看上去很乖，很不舒服的时候，你就可以停止了。晕船的感觉来得快，去得却很慢。你不想过分夸大这一情况。没有人会因为恶心而死掉，但却可能因此 而严重消磨求生的意志。当一切适可而止的时候，抛出海锚，如果你的动物倒在阳光直射下，那就尽量给它一片阴凉，并且确保它恢复过来时能有水喝，在水里放上 几片治晕船的药，如果你有的话。这时脱水是非常严重的危险。另外，退回到你自己的地盘里，让动物安静。水、休息和放松，还有安稳的救生艇，会让它恢复生气 的。要先让动物完全恢复，然后才能重复第一至第八步骤。

    9．重复这一疗程，直到在动物大脑里建立起哨声和剧烈的、令人丧失能力的恶心之间牢 固的、明确的联系。从此以后，只要吹响哨子，就可以应付擅闯地盘和其他棘手的行为。只要吹响一声尖厉的哨音，你就会看到动物因为心神不宁而发抖，以最快的 速度到自己地盘最安全、最远的地方去。一旦达到了这样的训练水平，就应该有节制地使用哨子。