1.The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that..."on the left side, nothing is right. On the right, nothing is left."

2.There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700billion. The rest are all subprime.

3.How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.

4.For geography students: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: about three pounds fifty.

5.What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.

6.Whats the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures, trader doesn’t.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS . . .

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo@ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL

INVESTOR -- Past year investor who’s now locked up in ant house.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.