CONGRATULATIONS！

    You， （insert name here）， have just won A UNIQUE &

    FABULOUS PRIZE.

    Within the next 24 hours， you are GUARANTEED to receive the

    one & only COMB OF THE WORLD——authentic， conveniently

    pocket-sized， the distance between individual teeth measurable

    only by Scanning Electron Microscope （complimentary cathode-

    ray vacuum tube & fluorescent screen included）。

    Yes！ With THE original fine-tooth comb， you can finally bid

    farewell forever to those armies of predatory dust mites

    rampaging through your carpet， the pseudomonads clinging to

    your dishtowel， the fungi burrowing through your plaster walls.

    And by simply combing the air around you， you can obtain

    ongoing relief from bronchial congestion & occular irritation

    due to such unseen atmospheric impurities as volcanic ash；

    pulverized bone， hair， & skin； magnetized iron filings； residue

    of feathers & spider eggs； all varieties of catalytic powders；

    ammoniac， sulfuric， & phosphorescent gasses； chimney soot；

    fish scales； anthrax powder； floating ink & gold dust.

    Romance， finances， or career in knots？ THE COMB OF THE

    WORLD's ever-efficient micro-filtrating action is guaranteed

    to loosen & release the psychically constricting clove hitch，

    timber hitch， bowline， & slipknot， as well as all varieties of

    syntactical & epistomological entanglings， irrelevancies，

    obfuscations， & infelicities.

    THE COMB OF THE WORLD works wonders with phobias

    & existential misgivings——YOU， yes， YOU will now be able

    to separate wave from particle， fact from inference， truth

    from prevarication.

    No more shadowy rustlings in the soul's undergrowth. No more

    tough little colonies of unregenerate sadnesses， or ragged

    ambiguities scuttling just out of reach. And those nearly

    imperceptible holes migrating through the rippling fabric

    of your etheric body？——you can comb them all out even as

    they rise！

    And last but not least， though we possess only ABSOLUTE

    CONFIDENCE in our product， for your additional security

    & peace of mind， THE TWEEZERS OF THE WORLD will be

    included for free.