Chapter 74

I practised religious rituals that I adapted to the circumstances - solitary Masses without priests or consecrated Communion hosts, darshans without murtis, and pujas with turtle meat for prasad, acts of devotion to Allah not knowing where Mecca was and getting my Arabic wrong. They brought me comfort, that is certain. But it was hard, oh, it was hard. Faith in God is an opening up, a letting go, a deep trust, a free act of love - but sometimes it was so hard to love. Sometimes my heart was sinking so fast with anger, desolation and weariness, I was afraid it would sink to the very bottom of the Pacific and I would not be able to lift it back up.

At such moments I tried to elevate myself. I would touch the turban I had made with the remnants of my shirt and I would say aloud, "This is God's hat!"

I would pat my pants and say aloud, "This is God's attire!" I would point to Richard Parker and say aloud, "This is God's cat!"

I would point to the lifeboat and say aloud, "This is God's ark!"

I would spread my hands wide and say aloud, "These are God's wide acres!"

I would point at the sky and say aloud, "This is God's ear!"

And in this way I would remind myself of creation and of my place in it.

But God's hat was always unravelling. God's pants were falling apart. God's cat was a constant danger. God's ark was a jail. God's wide acres were slowly killing me. God's ear didn't seem to be listening.

Despair was a heavy blackness that let no light in or out. It was a hell beyond expression. I thank God it always passed. A school of fish appeared around the net or a knot cried out to be reknotted. Or I thought of my family, of how they were spared this terrible agony. The blackness would stir and eventually go away, and God would remain, a shining point of light in my heart. I would go on loving.

第七十四章

    我  每天进行根据现在的惰况而改变的宗教仪式——没有牧师也没有圣餐主持的一个人的弥撒，没有神像的得福仪式，用海龟肉做惠赐的礼拜，向安拉祈祷却不知道麦加   在哪里，阿拉伯文也说错了。这些给了我安慰，这是肯定的。但是这很难，噢，真的很难。信仰上帝就是敞开心胸，就是不受拘束，就是深深的信任，就是爱的自由  行动——但有时候要去爱太难了。有时候我的心因为愤怒、忧伤和疲惫迅速地沉下去，我真担心它会一直沉到太平洋底，我没有办法再把它提起来了。

    在   这样的时刻，我努力让自己高兴起来。我会摸着用衬衫碎片做的包头巾大声说：“这是上帝的帽子！”我会拍着自己的裤子大声说：¨这是上帝的衣服！”我会指着   理查德·帕克大声说：“这是上帝的猫！”我会指着救生艇大声说：“这是上帝的方舟！”我会摊开双手大声说：“这是上帝的宽广土地！一我会指着天空大声说：  “这是上帝的耳朵！

    就这样，我会提醒自己上帝的创造和自己在其中的位置。但是上帝的帽子总是散开。上帝的衣服变得槛楼。上帝的猫是个时刻存在的危险。上帝的方舟是座囚牢。上帝的宽广土地正慢慢将我杀死。上帝的耳朵似乎并没有在听。

    绝   望是沉沉的黑暗，光迸不来也出不去。那是一座无法形容的地狱。我感谢上帝，每一次这样的时刻都过去了。一群鱼在鱼网周围出现了，或是一只结松了，要重新系  牢。或者我想起了自己的家人，想他们如何逃过了这场可怕的痛苦。黑睹会动起来，最终消散了，上帝会留下来，成为我心里一个闪光的点。我会继续去爱。