I used to love taking showers until October 20, 2017.

在2017年10月20日之前，我一直很享受洗澡。

I remember that day.

我永远记得那一天。

Because on that day, as I was washing my hair and pulled my hand away from my head, there was a massive clump of hair tangled in my hand.

因为那天，我洗头的时候，把手从头上拿开，有一大团头发缠在我的手里。

I just stared at it. It looked like a tarantula.

我盯着它看。它看起来像一只狼蛛。

I tried not to think about it, till the next time I showered, and it happened again, and again, and again, and again.

我试着不去想它，直到下一次洗澡，它一次又一次地发生，一次又一次，一次又一次。

Within a few months, I lost over 50% of my hair.

几个月内，我掉了超过50%的头发。

I was basically bald at the back of my head.

我的后脑勺基本上都秃了。

Then one day, my boyfriend turns to me and says maybe you should get a wig.

有一天，我男朋友对我说，也许你应该戴个假发。

I cried so hard that night.

那天晚上我哭得很厉害。

But two weeks later, on Valentine's Day of all days, I walked into a wig shop.

但两周后的情人节那天，我走进了一家假发店。

I took off my winter hat to reveal my mess of patchy, thin hair.

我摘下冬帽，露出一头乱蓬蓬的稀疏头发。

As the wig shop owner looked through my scalp, he told me that I may have alopecia and that it's perfectly normal and lots of his clients who have it wear wigs and feel good about themselves.

假发店老板检查我的头皮，告诉我，我可能有脱发现象，这是非常正常的，他的很多客户都戴着假发，感觉都很好。

Then he showed me the most beautiful wig you could ever imagine.

然后他给我看了你能想象到的最漂亮的假发。

And me, a perfect Indian woman, so I bought it.

而我，一个完美的印度女人，所以我买了。

Yet the very next day, I felt like a fraud, like I was hiding a dirty little secret.

然而就在第二天，我感觉自己像个骗子，好像在隐藏一个肮脏的秘密。

And because of this wig, I can't shower at the gym or go swimming or even ride a fxxk roller coaster.

因为这顶假发，我不能在健身房洗澡，不能去游泳，甚至不能坐过山车。

I essentially lost all spontaneity in my life.

我基本上失去了生活中所有的自发性。

And within a few weeks, the truth became clear.

几周之内，真相大白。

I am not allowed to be me.

我不能做我自己。

I mean, to not be allowed to be is like not being allowed to see, blinded by the burden of expectations placed on me.

我的意思是，不能被大家看到，被寄予厚望的负担蒙蔽了双眼。

I diapered beneath this wig, a physical embodiment of social, societal, and family pressures placed on me as a female, placed on me as an Indian woman.

我就像在这顶假发下面换尿布，这是社会和家庭压力的物理体现，施加在一个女性身上，施加在一个印度女性的身上。

Should and shame, they're the same, and this wig, this wig, represents shame, unworthiness, other people's thoughts implanted into my mind.

“应该”和“羞耻”是一样的，而这顶假发代表着羞耻，无价值，别人的想法在我的脑袋里翻滚。

I hate this. It feels like the pressure cooker inside me is about to go off.

我讨厌这样。感觉我体内的高压锅就要爆炸了。

My insides are screaming what if? What if I shave it all off?

我的内心在尖叫，如果我把它们都剃掉呢？

So, I went for it and fxxking shaved my head.

所以，我就去了，把我的头发剃光了。

Hundreds of messages and phone calls flooded in, people telling me how brave I am.

成百上千的信息和电话蜂拥而至，都在告诉我我有多勇敢。

Ladies came up to me on the streets and picked up their wig just a little bit for me to seesparse strands of their hair.

街上有女士走到我面前，拿起她们的假发，让我看她们稀疏的头发。

But you know what? I felt fxxking terrible.

但是你知道吗？我感觉糟透了。

Shaving my head was supposed to finally allow me to be myself.

剃光头本该最终让我做回我自己。

But I literally couldn't recognize my own shadow.

但我真的认不出自己的影子了。

Once again, avoiding mirrors. I became she. Who is she?

又一次，逃避镜子。我变成了她。她是谁？