西式幽默
Western Humour

冯骥才
Feng Jicai

学院请来一位洋教师，长得挺怪，红脸，金发，连鬓大胡须，有几根胡子一直逾过面颊，挨近鼻子，他个子足有二米，每迸屋门必须低头，才能躲过门框子的拦击，叫人误以为他进门先鞠躬，这不太讲究礼貌了吗？
Our institute employed an English teacher. He looked very strange red-faced, golden-haired, with a thick growth of whiskers that reached all the way to the nose. He was really tall-- no less than six foot five. When he came in through the door, he had to lower his head to avoid banging against the door frame. It looked as though he always bowed to you at the door and that was much too polite.

顶怪的是，他每每与中国学生聊天，聊到可笑之处时，他不笑，脸上也没表情，好象他不喜欢玩笑；可是有时毫不可笑的事，他会冷不防放声大笑，笑得翻江倒海，仰面朝天，几平连人带椅子要翻过去，喉结在脖子上乱跳，满脸胡子直抖。常使中国学生面面相觑，不知这位洋教师的神经是不是有点问题？
What was more, he never laughed, when he chatted with his Chinese students on amusing stories, nor did his face show any expression as if he knew no sense of humour. However, when it came to topics of the most dull nature, he would burst into uncontrollable laughter, roaring while rocking in his chair, almost falling flat on his back, his Adam's apple dancing up and down in his throat and his whiskers fluttering all over his face. The students would then look at each other, wondering if he was in his right mind.

一天，洋教师出题，考察学生们用洋文作文的水准，题目极简单，随便议论议论校园内的一事一物，褒贬皆可。中国学生很灵，一挥而就，洋教师阅后。评出了最佳作文一篇，学生们听后大为不解，这种通篇说谎的文章怎么能被评为“最佳”？
One day he set the students an essay to see how well they could write in English, the topic being A Comment on Life on the Campus-it her complimentary or critical. That was simple. And his students, quick at writing, finished it at one go and turned it in no time. He went through the papers and picked one that he thought the best. When he read it out to the students, they were greatly perplexed. Of all the comments, why did he like this one best, Not a single word of it was true.

原来这篇作文是写学校食堂。写作文的学生来自郊区农村，人很老实，胆子又小, 生伯得罪校方，妨碍将来毕业时的分数、评语、分配工作等等，便不顾真假，胡编乱造，竭力美化，唱赞歌。使得一些学生看后惯惯然。可是……洋教师明知学校食堂糟糕透顶的状况，为什么偏要选这篇作文？有人直问洋教师。
It was about the campus cafeteria and the author was a peaceable and timid guy from a village near the town. In order not to offend the school authorities -- a decisive factor: concerning his final grading, evaluation and, above; all, where he was to go after graduation -- he had made up a high-sounding story in praise of the cafeteria regardless of reality, thus making his ClaSS- mates very angry. The teacher was as well aware of the cafeteria's terrible conditions, but why should this piece in particular have appealed to him so much, Someone asked.

洋教师说：“这文章写得当然好，而且绝妙无比。你们听一一”他拿起作文念起来，“我们学校最美的地方，不是教室，不是操场，也不是校门口那个带喷水的小花坛，而是食堂。瞧，玻璃干净得几乎叫你看不到它的存在——。”洋教师念到这儿，眼睛调皮地一亮，眉毛一挑，“听听，多么幽默！”
"This is undoubtedly a good one,'' the teacher insisted. "UNPRecedentedly good! Just listen --" He began to read. "'The most beautiful spot on campus is not the Classrooms, nor the sports ground, nor the small lawn with a fountain at the school gate; it is our cafeteria. Look! The windows are so clean , that you scarcely notice any glass on them' --" "He paused, his eyes flashing with a glint of humour and his brows shooting upward. "Listen! Isn't it humorous?"

幽默？怎么会是幽默大家还没弄明白。
Humorous? But what was humorous about it? The students were hard put to it.

洋教师接着念道：“如果你不小心在学校食堂跌了一跤，你会惊奇地发现你并没跌跤，因为你身上半点尘上也没留下；如果你长期在学校食堂里工作，恐怕你会把苍蝇是什么样子都忘了……”洋教师又停住，舌头“得”地弹一声，做一个怪脸说，“听呀，还要多幽默，我简直笑得念不下去了。”
"If you were not careful enough,'" the teacher read on, '"and had a fall on the floor, you would be amazed to find that you had not fallen at all because you did not get a single particle of dust on your clothes. If you had worked in the cafeteria long enough, you would have forgotten what a fly looks like ... " He paused again, his tongue clicking admiration. Working up a very funny expression on his face, he went on, "Listen, please! Could anyone else have made it more humorous?" He laughed so hard that he could scarcely continue.

学生们忽然明白了什么。
By now the students seemed to be cottoning on.

洋教师一边笑，一边继续往下念：“食堂天天的饭菜有多么精美、多么丰富、多么解馋！只有在学校食堂里，你才会感到吃饭是一种地道的享受……”
The teacher went on his reading punctuated by fits of laughter ."How wonderfully is the food cooked here! What a great variety of dishes you have here and how well your appetite is satisfied! In fact it is only at the cafeteria of the institute that you eating enjoyable...."