don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy!

What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife?
Great big ones!

Who was the world's greatest thief?
Atlas, because he held up the whole world!

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
His nose!

Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well.
Mr Brown: It works!