1. I decided to rename all the contacts in my phone with their spirit animals. Who the hell is eternal baby chinchilla ?

我决定把手机里的联系人全部重命名为他们的灵魂动物，谁是“永远的栗鼠宝宝”？

2. 12 years ago I got really drunk at a college party and some guy at the party held my hair back while I threw up and walked me around the yard until I felt better. We’ve been married almost 7 years now.

2年前我读大学的时候，在一个聚会上醉得很厉害。一个在场的男孩帮我挽起头发，以免吐的时候沾到。还陪着我在院子里散步，直到我感觉好多了。现在我们已经结婚7年了。

3. I came home overserved andshowered my ID to my Dad at the front door of the house at 4amthniking it was another bar. My dad was in full cop uniform going to work. I got in but was not allowed out for a while.

我醉醺醺地回到家里，在大门口把身份证给我的爸爸看，那个时候是凌晨4点，我以为这是另外一个酒吧。我爸爸穿着全套警察制服，正准备去上班。他允许我进门，但我很久之后才被允许出门。

4. One time I got drunkwith an old teacherfrom high school and apparently, at some point duringthe night, I raised my head and asked him if I could use the bathroom.

有一次我跟一个高中老师旧识对饮，喝得醉醺醺的，我很清楚地记得，当晚某个时间，我举起手问他我能不能去上厕所。

5. I once got so drunk I cried hysterically because my parakeet had to live his life without hands.

有一次我醉的很厉害，哭得歇斯底里，因为我的长尾小鹦鹉一辈子都没长过胳膊。

6. Got so drunk my friend let me stay over for the night. Woke up on the floor of their living roomwith my friends 8 year old son lining up action figures around my body saying”don’t wake the gaint! Tie him down!”

有一次我醉得很厉害，我的朋友收留我在他家过夜。我醒来时自己躺在他们家的地板上。我朋友8岁的儿子把玩具兵围绕在我周围 ， 喊着“别吵醒巨人！捆住！放倒！”

7. One night I got so drunk at the bar that I stole a girl’s birthday crown off her head, went to another bar, and made eveyone there buy me birthday drinks.

有天晚上我在酒吧里喝得醉醺醺的，我偷走了一个女孩头上的生日帽，去了另一个酒吧，告诉酒吧里所有的人今天是我的生日，让他们请我喝酒。

9. I once left a party to walk home and woke up behind a strangers sofa cuddling a full grown German Shepherd.

有次我参加聚会后以为自己回到了家。一觉醒来才发现自己躺在陌生人家的沙发背后，还抱着一只成年的德国牧羊犬。

10. I was super drunk at a bar once and walked into the bathroom. When I turned I bumped into someone and said”oh my gosh I’m so sorry”. Took me 5 minutes to realize that the “person” I bumped into wasmy reflection in the mirror.

有次我在一个酒吧里醉得很厉害。我走进卫生间，撞见卫生间里的另一个人。我说“哦，天呐，我很抱歉”。5分钟后我意识到我撞见的那个人是自己在镜子里的倒影。

11. Went out with $20. Woke up with 4250, 3 lighters, 2 phones & keys to someone else’s car..

出门的时候带了20块钱，醒来的时候身上有250块钱，3个打火机，2个手机，还有一把别人家的钥匙。

12. One night I got drunk with a forgign diplomat. He thought I worked for ”the embassy”. Turns out I worked for “NBC”.

一天晚上我和一个外国大使一起喝醉了。他以为我在“大使馆”工作。结果发现我是在“NBC电视台”工作。

13. I stepped out of the barto smoke. I realized I had to pee in the worst way but I had half a cig left. Decided to squat between two cops cars for ‘privacy’. Shout out to the San Diego policemen who let me finish up before they cuffed me.

我从酒吧里出来吸烟，我发现自己必须在最恶劣的环境里尿尿，幸好我还有半支烟。我决定蹲在两辆警车中间处理一点“私人事务”。我还对圣地亚哥的警察大声嚷嚷，他们让我把私事“解决完了”才把我铐起来。

14. I was trapped in an elevator, used the emergency phone freaking out till the door opened and I was rescued. Couldn’t figure out why my rescuers seemed so annoyed. Turns out I wasn’t trapped, in my drunken state I just forgot to press a button.

我被困在电梯里，惊慌失措中使用了紧急电话，后来门开了，我得救了。但我不明白为什么来救援的人看起来很烦躁。原来我并没有被困住，我只是喝醉了，忘了按电梯。

（翻译：小木）